Because it's familiar.
Because even though I cannot stand the feeling, it's been habit for so long, it scares me to feel confident, relaxed, fully at peace for too long, lest some black cloud comes to rain on my parade. Always wondering when the "other shoe will drop", because who am I to deserve such blessings? It was embedded in me from so long ago that we are to be fearful, wary, that we are wrong, sinful beings and have to work every moment of every day to prove our worth, to prove our 'salvation', to fight for acceptance, to 'fit in' to some box before we're worth anything. (I'm honestly not trying to bash the Christian -or any other- religion, so let's not get in to huge religious debates about who is 'right' or 'wrong', okay? This is merely where I believe a huge part of my fear and lack of self worth stem from, and perhaps that of others as well).
The fear feeling starts as a heavy feeling in my chest, over my heart, which works its way down to my belly, and from there down through my legs and throughout the rest of my body. I've fought through MUCH of that fear over the past few years and accomplished much, yet that same feeling returns, daily. Knock, knock. Oh hello familiar guest. I'm not such a big fan of your existence in my life like this, but come on in, because we go wayyy back and we cannot EVER let go of a relationship like THAT, now can we???
I believe it goes much deeper than just personal fear. It's a collective human fear, fear of things we don't really want to talk about because it scares us, so we put on masks, we put up facades, we argue and bicker about who and what is 'right' or 'wrong' and, in general, think OUR way is the ONLY way. We're afraid because we just DON'T KNOW, and so we cling to things with every fiber of our very being in order to feel some level of security and safety out here in the great unknown.
I'm open to being open about things I don't know. I love learning from others' perspectives, and I do my best not to judge harshly those views or actions which may oppose my own. We each have our own inner compass and if we learn, and I mean really put forth the effort to learn and practice, listening to our innermost guidance, our heart, our spirit, our soul, then we would ALL be 'right' even when we're behaving and operating from different perspectives, viewpoints, belief systems and preferences. And it would just be OK to be ourselves, fully and freely, without fear of judgment, non-acceptance, taunting, teasing, bullying, feeling alone and so on ...........
And we could all help one another along toward what makes our individual hearts sing..... what makes us happy..... what makes us fearless, confident and at peace. Because, really, that's what we're all hunting for, right? Peace? Love? Hope that all is well, even with all the great unknowns that surround us?
I personally am just exhausted by the end of the day, NOT physically in the least, but mentally and emotionally, because of the fears, doubts, indecision, worry and anxiety placed upon myself, by myself, simply from the collective judgmental thoughts we all think about ourselves and others. I have proven over and over to myself, by overcoming fear one bit at a time, that I am capable of so much more than I allow myself to believe. And SO ARE YOU.
I'm tired of guessing what others think of me, how others view me, seeking approval, acceptance, encouragement and support from outside myself.... because, well, I figure if I'm so busy up in my head judging myself from others' perspectives, then I'm guessing others are doing the same.......
And so, I've vowed to myself to do my very best at accepting others just AS they are just WHERE they are, because we're all living out the projections of our deepest fears, hopes, dreams, loves, likes and hates. We're ALL self-centered like that. So, if I can just accept that about myself AND about others, then maybe........
I can be less fearful.
And remember that I AM safe.
I AM me and that is okay.
I'll accept you as you are whether you accept me as I am or not.
It's not about me. It's not about you. It's about us.
It's about us pulling ourselves together and out of fear to really and truly care for ourselves just the way we are (end self-loathing!!!) and those lives we touch outside ourselves.
Let's truly start supporting each other.
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